This is the first in a planned series that will end with me crying because none of the highly-paid Premier League managers have taken any notice of an unemployed semi-blogger.
Transfers are a tricky business. It’s hard to judge if a player will work for your club, let alone if they’ll settle in with new team-mates, if they’ll enjoy their new homes, and whether or not their rat-turd shitehawk of an agent will try and stir up as much trouble as possible in an attempt to cash in on a naïve young man’s talent (you know who I mean, dear reader). So wouldn’t it be good, I thought, if someone could give clubs a short, handy guide to who they should sign, and who they shouldn’t. Someone like…
Well, not me, really, but I’m going to do it anyway. Screw it.
Given that I’m a supporter, let’s start with….
Contrary to popular opinion, Liverpool actually didn’t have a bad season last year. OK, a 6-1 defeat to a Stoke team containing 49-year-old Scottish chip shop worker Charlie Adam wasn’t the best experience of many Liverpool fans’ lives, and 6th in the table is a bit disappointing after the Luis-Suarez-turbo-charged title challenge, but… honestly, what did you expect? A squad of 20-year olds plus Steven Gerrard needed major reinforcement in the transfer window, especially after losing Suarez, and instead received an influx of more 20-year-olds, Ricky Lambert and
pointlessness’ Mario Balotelli, who turned out to be so lacking in any kind of giving-a-shitedness that he didn’t even have a proper off-field controversy. In the grand scheme of things (ie in wage bill, which is where leagues are usually measured), Liverpool are probably on par with a sixth-placed finish, and will be again next season, I expect.
Unless, of course, they follow these transfer suggestions. Then, Jose Mourinho, you’d better be watching your back, mate.
Areas to Strengthen: Defence and Forwards
Current: Where to start… I like Sakho a lot. He’s aggressive, excellent in one-on-ones, good in the air, and built like a Belgian Blue, even if he is prone to a Titus Bramble moment now and then. He’s also a much better passer of the ball than people think; a big reason for the improvement in both attack and defence in the middle of the season was due to Sakho’s presence, his threaded balls into Coutinho meaning our weakfish midfield didn’t have too much creative pressure on their shoulders. Skrtel is… ok, I guess, and Moreno has shown glimpses of quality.
The rest are crap. But Glen “can’t be arsed” Johnson is gone, Jon Flanagan might be back to scare opponents talentless with his face, and Dejan Lovren now looks to be worth at least a tenth of what Rodgers paid for him, so things aren’t entirely doom and gloom. There is definitely, however, room for improvement across the back 4/5.
Who to realistically sign: Well, this is cheating a bit, but as Sebastian Coates played for Sunderland last season (despite being on Liverpool’s books), I feel like I can recommend him like a new signing. He’s added a lot of aggression to his game during his couple of seasons on loan; comfortable on the ball and an excellent reader of the game, I think this is his season to shine, if he gets the opportunity.
Otherwise, what’s really needed is a proper right-back (Emre Can is not the answer) and at least a back-up left back, if not proper competition for Moreno. As to who is available in these positions… Nathaniel Clyne is the obvious choice, but after Manchester United sign him, Liverpool could do worse than trying someone like Rafael, out of favour at the Red Devils, or Matteo Darmian, the Torino right-back who tore England apart at the last World Cup. Not, admittedly, a perfect measure of quality, but still, he’s powerful, excellent defensively, and most importantly better than Glen Johnson. Micah Richards is also looking for a new club, and might be worth a punt.
As to back-up left-backs… bringing back Ali Cissokho, a key component of that Suarez-led charge, would be interesting and cheap. Ashley Cole has also struggled with Roma, and might be looking for a way back into the Premier League. Failing that… well, Paul Konchesky isavailable. You know it makes sense (he says through bitter rage-tears).
Oh, boy. Reeling off a list of Liverpool forwards isn’t a fun thing to do, unless you support any other club than Liverpool. Fabio Borini, the man who could be outmuscled by a weedy church mouse. Rickie Lambert, the poor man’s Emile Heskey (that’s unfair, but I never claimed to be nice). And Mario Balotelli, who seems intent to be the antithesis of everything his talent claims he should be. Oh, and Daniel Sturridge, who was unavailable for insult due to injury.
8 league goals between them. Steven Gerrard, the man who looked like he was carrying the burden of previously being good every time he attempted to shuffle into a jog, scored more than all of them combined.
Of the four, Sturridge is given a pass for this season (a hospital one… oh, the hilarity). He obviously has talent, if he can steer clear of injury a bit more. But the other three need to be offloaded, pronto (as does on-loan Iago Aspas, of course), and replaced by…
Who to realistically sign: Well, the club has stolen a march on me here, having already signed Divock Origi (8 league goals last season) and Danny Ings (11). Both could be excellent signings-they have pace and intelligence, and still apparently think Liverpool is a big club so might, y’know, try (unlike a certain maverick Italian). But the club still needs another striker, preferably a nice experienced one.
Unfortunately, the two players Liverpool are being linked to are both wrong for the club. Alexandre Lacazette would be a wonderful addition if it weren’t for the fact that Liverpool don’t have a prayer of signing him, and Christian Benteke is just a second Balotelli waiting to happen. He’s big, he’s strong, his movement isn’t very good and he only just started trying again after a six-month football-sulk.
No, Liverpool should be going for Theo Walcott.
Hear me out. He’s quick (which fits in with Liverpool’s style of play), he’s intelligent (ditto), and unlike the rest of our fit forwards he can actually finish. He’s only 27 but has played in pretty much every competition you can name, and
is capable of the same kind of individual brilliance as Phillippe Coutinho or Raheem Sterling (when not being distracted by his pisskidney moron of an agent, of course). With Theo Walcott, we might even be able to cha-
Oh. He’s signing a new Arsenal contract, is he?